I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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