Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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