My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
i think i just lost a toe
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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