Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
