Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
