just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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