He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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