question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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