That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
