Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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