I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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