My room smells like vodka and shame
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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