im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
