Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
