Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize