i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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