I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
