come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
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