Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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