I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
