I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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