he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Randomize
