he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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