she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
You're like the curious george of whores
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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