Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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