splinters make it hard to masturbate
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
