my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
This is classic penis vs brain.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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