I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Randomize
