The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize