I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
