Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize