Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
