So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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