you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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