Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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