I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
