Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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