I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
you had me at cake vodka
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
