Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
