her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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