my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
