she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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