I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
