Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize