I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
