made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
