Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
