My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize