I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
