I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
