Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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