i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
