She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
