Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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