I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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