Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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