When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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