They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
operation harelip BJ is a go
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
